Family Guy and the Holy Grail
by aceman88
Summary: Based on the classic Monty Python film, King Peter and Knights of the Roundtable go on a quest for the legendary Holy Grail, but as usual things don't work out as planned.


**FAMILY GUY AND THE HOLY GRAIL**

Author's Note: The reason why I haven't posted anything for a while is because my computer broke down, I actually had lots of stories in mind and I wrote a first chapter for some, but when this piece of garbage computer of mine broke down, the stupid thing erased my hard work. It's back on now, so I hope it doesn't do it again. Enjoy the story.

Disclaimer: As always, I don't own any of this stuff. Not Family Guy, not Monty Python and the Holy Grail, no nothing. I just own a copy of a Family Guy DVD, but that's about it. Flamers will be sacked.

Chapter 1: Swallows, coconuts, and political peasents

_This is a tale of a group of brave men who had risked their lives for one thing: THE HOLY GRAIL_

_It's true some of them lost their lives, but it was worth it to prove a point_

_That point being: no matter what happens, never give up on your goals, no matter the cost_

_We celebrate these men for their effort and love for the world that kept them going._

_We celebrate their intelligence and ingi-ingi-ingehehehehehe, OH MY GOD!!_

_I can't say this crap with a straight face, no matter how much I get paid to say this fictional crap_

_To tell you the truth, this story is about a bunch of idiots who try to find a grail._

The year is 932 A.D.(or something like that) in England. Morning had arised so it was still a bit foggy out. The sound of a horse gallopping is heard coming up from a hill, a few moments pass and now we see a overweight man in knight's armor with a crown like helmet on his head. Oh, and he's not really riding a horse, he pretending as another man behind him, who is skinner and geeky looking with alot of stuff on his back, is banging two empty halves of coconuts together. After awhile, they come up to a castle. They "Gallop" towards it until a guard at the top sees them.

"HALT!! WHO GOES THERE!?" shouts the guard, "IT IS I, PETER, SON OF MCFINNIGAN OF CAMELOT," replies King Peter, "KING OF BRITAIN, DEFEATER OF THE SAXTONS, SULTON OF ALL ENGLAND, THE LORD OF THE DANCE, WHAT THE WOMEN WANT, THE MAN OTHER MEN WISH THEY WERE BUT NEVER BE, THE BEST THERE IS, THE BEST THERE WAS, AND THE..." "OK, STOP IT, YOU'RE GETTING TOO CARRIED AWAY, I GET IT!! BUT WHOSE THE OTHER GUY!?" asks the guard, "Oh, that's just my servent Mort, he carries my stuff around, but he's not important." replies King Peter.

"Listen, we have ridden the lengths of the land, searching for guys to join me in my court of Camelot, and no not in a homosexual manner if you are thinking that, you sick bastard." said Peter, "Now let me speak with your lord and master or whoever is currently in charge, I don't care which!" "HAVE YOU RIDDEN ON A HORSE!?" asks the gaurd, "Uh, yes?" replied Peter. "YOUR USING COCONUTS!!" pointed out the gaurd, "what?" "YOUR USING TWO EMPTY HALVES OF COCONUTS AND YOUR BANGING THEM TOGETHER!!" " Look, we've ridden since winter, of seven months ago, SEVEN MONTHS!! We've traveled through the kingdom of Mercia, I'm tired, so please just get your boss and tell him to get his FRINCKEN ASS OUT HERE!!" said a pissed off Peter.

A pause, then the gaurd saids, "WHERE'D YOU GET THE COCONUTS!?" "We found them" replies Peter, "FOUND THEM? IN MERCIA? THE COCONUTS'S TROPICAL!!" "what are you talking about?" asks Peter, "WELL THIS IS A TEMPERATE ZONE, AND WE DON'T GOT THAT MUCH OF A GOOD IMPORTATION SYSTEM!!" "Look buddy, the swallow seeks warmer climets in winter, and some other bird analogies which I can't think of right now, but these are not strangers to our land." said Peter, trying to prove a point. "ARE YOU SUGGESTING COCONUTS CAN MIGRATE!?" "No, but it could be carried." "WHAT? A SWALLOW CARRYING A COCONUT!?" "Well, it could grip it by the husk, it is very hairry you know." "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE IT GRIPS, IT'S A SIMPLE MATTER OF WEIGHT RATIO: A FIVE OUNCH BIRD COULD NO WAY IN HELL CARRY A ONE POUND COCONUT!!" By now Peter is getting very impaitent, "LOOK FELLA, I AM BECOMING VERY, VERY, VERY PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW, JUST GET YOUR BOSS SO I CAN LEAVE AND GET MORE MEN, I DO NOT WANNA TALK ABOUT SWALLOWS AND COCONUTS, SO SHUT THE HELL UP AND GET HIM!!"

A pause, but the guard continues, "LISTEN, IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN AIR-SPEED VELOCITY, A SWALLOW MUST BEAT HIS WINGS FORTY-THREE TIMES EVERY SECOND, RIGHT!?" "Oh come on!" "RIGHT!?" "I don't give a damn!" yelled Peter, Then, a second gaurd came up, "IT COULD BE CARRIED BY AN AFRICAN SWALLOW!!" said Gaurd #2. "YEAH AN AFRICAN SWALLOW MAYBE, BUT NOT A EUROPEAN SWALLOW, THAT'S MY POINT!!" said Guard #1, "YEAH I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU THERE!!" "Listen, you two! All I want to know is if your master wants to join me at Camelot!" said a pissed off Peter. "OF COURSE THE AFRICAN SWALLOW DOESN'T MIGRATE!!" Said Gaurd #1, completely ignoring Peter, "OH YEAH, SO THEY COULDN'T BRING A COCONUT BACK ANYWAY!!" said Gaurd #2, "Ah, screw it, let's go." said Peter, now fed up, so he and Mort 'gallopped' away as the two gaurds continue to talk. "HOLD ON, WHAT IF TWO SWALLOWS CARRIED IT TOGETHER!!" said Gaurd #2, "NAH, THEY HAVE TO HAVE IT ON A LINE!!" said Gaurd #1, "SIMPLE, THEY USE A BIT OF CREEPER!!" "WHAT? UNDER THE DORSAL GLIDING FEATHERS!?" "WELL WHY NOT!?"

Later in a dirty, muddy village- "BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!!" BONG "BRING OUT YOU DEAD!!" BONG shouts Death as he bangs a gong. A plauge has been going around lately, killing alot of people, so Death decided to go around collecting all the bodies and make a fee at the same time. A bunch of people are acting like stray dogs hiding from a dog catcher, no one wants to go on the cart. A man comes up carring a old woman, "Here's one, it's my mother-in-law." said the man, "Alright, nine cents, man I can't believe how poor people in this time are." said Death, "But I'm not dead!" said the woman, "What?" said Death, "Oh, nothing, here's your nine cents." said the man nervously, "I'm not dead!" "She saids she's not dead." said Death "Y-yes she is." said the man nervously "No I'm not!" "She isn't?" asked Death. "Well she will be soon enough, she's very ill." explained the man, "I'm getting better." cried the woman, "No your not, you'll be stone dead in a moment!"

"Sorry, I can't take her like that, it's against regulations to bring in still alive people." explained Death "I don't wanna go on the cart!" "Oh don't be such a baby." exclaimed the man, "I can't take her." "I FEEL FINE!" "Oh just do us a favor." the man pleades "I can't." "Well can you at least come around in a couple of minutes, she won't be long." "Well let's see," Death checks his schdule book, "mmm, no I can't. I've gotta go to the Robinson's, they lost nine today and my cart would be too full after that." "Well when's your next run?" asks the man, "Thursday if the plauge continues." said Death after checking his book. "I THINK I'LL GO FOR A WALK!!" desperately said the woman, "YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE MOTHER!!" yelled the man then turned to Death, "Look, isn't there something you can do?" "I don't know..." "I'LL GIVE YOU FIVE DOLLARS!!". After looking around to see if anyone is watching, Death pokes the woman and she instantly dies after singing 'I feel happy'. "Thank you." said the man as he puts her on the cart. Then King Peter and Mort 'gallop' past them, stepping on anyone that is lying around, "Who's that?" asked the man, "Don't know, must be a king." said Death, "How'd you know?" "He's fat and doesn't have shit all over him."

Later, Peter and Mort 'gallop' to a grassy hill and see a castle up ahead, and also some people digging around for some reason. Peter and Mort go over to someone with long hair pulling a wagon, "Excuse me old woman!" Peter shouts, "You mean man." said the 'woman' "Man, sorry, hey could you tell me who lives in that castle." "I'm 37! I'm not that old." said the man, "Well I can't just call you man, there's too many nameless characters in this story already." "Well you could say Dave." said the now named Dave, "I didn't know you were called Dave." explained Peter, "Well you didn't bother to find out did you?" retortted Dave, "Well sor-ry for not quickly getting to know you after we just me- HOLY CRAP YOUR NAKED!!" Peter just noticed Dave was completely naked. "Yeah, uh, me and my wife Dottie find it alot more confortable wallowing in the mud naked then with clothes on, easier to clean too because it hard to get the stain out of clothes in these times." explained Dave.

"uh, right." said Peter, then went back to the script, "So anyway, I did say I was sorry for calling you a woman, now I can clearly see what you are." "What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior." said Dave, "Well I am king, of course your inferior, I'm the dude with the pointy hat." said Peter. "Well how did you get that, huh?" Dave started to rant, "The position or the crown?" asked Peter, "Any, how do all kings get their royalty? BY EXPOILTING THE WORKERS!!, By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpet-HEY WAKE UP!!" Dave shouts at the end, seems Peter had fallen asleep during that rant(would you if you had to listen to someone talk about political garbage.) "huh, what?, sorry. You were saying?" said Peter as he woke up. "Well as I was saying-" "Hey Dave! there's some lovely filth down here!" interrupted a woman, who like Dave, was completely naked, It's Dave's wife Dottie,"Let's roll around in it and stick some in our pri-OH! how do you do?" Dottie saids suddenly noticing Peter. Dave goes over to her as Peter saids, "H-H-How do you do?"

A pause then King Peter asks,"I'm Peter, king of the Britons, now can you tell me who lives in that castle?" "King of the who?" asks Dottie, "The Britons, now tell-" said Peter before he gets interrupted by Dottie, "Who the hell are the Britons?" "We all are, or atleast pretending to be for this story, and I am your King." explained Peter. "I didn't know we had a king, I thought we were an autonomous collective, whatever the hell that means." said Dottie, "Oh your just fooling yourself hon, we're living in a dictatorship." said Dave as he continues,"A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class-" "Oh there you go bringing class into it again and using those hard to spell words that people have to look up to even spell them." said Dottie, while Peter looks like he is about to sleep again and Mort looks like he is about to collapse from exhuastion or the weight of Peter's stuff, but who cares he's not important. "Well that's what it's all about hon, if only people-" "HEY! HEY! yeah, remember me? the king guy? could you naked people please tell me who the hell lives in that castle? I'm kinda in a hurry here." Peter said interrupting Dave, and sounded sort of pissed off by the way.

"Oh, nobody lives there." answered Dottie, "Then who the hell's your lord?" asked Peter, "Oh we don't have a lord." replied Dottie. "What?" "I've been trying to tell you," started Dave, "We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune, we take turns to act as sort of an executive officer for the week." "Ye-" "But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting," "Alright alrea-" "By a simple majority in the case of internal affairs." "Shut up." "But by 2/3rd's majority-" "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I ORDER YOU TO SHUT THE F(BEEP) UP!!" yells Peter, who by now can't stand anymore of Dave's political bull. "Order? who do you think you are, sir?" asked Dottie, mildly appauled at Peter's outburst,"Uh, the crown and royal posture don't give ya' a clue? I'M YOUR KING!" answered Peter, "King? I didn't vote for you." said Dottie. "You don't vote for kings." "Well how did you become king, then?" asks Dottie. "Well I'll tell you," started Peter, "The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the breast of the water, signifying by Divine Providence that I, Peter, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I'm your king." Peter looked proud, probably more that he memorized the entire speech, eventhough he said breast instead of Bosom, give the guy credit.

"Oh brother, listen, strange women lying in ponds and giving away big fancy knives is no basis for government." said Dave, "Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony." "SHUT UP!" yelled Peter, "You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you." continued Dave, "I SAID SHUT UP!" Peter was now getting angry, "If I went around saying I was ruler of the world just because some moistened bitch lobbed a spork at me, I would be institutionalized." Peter then walked over and grabbed Dave's neck, "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! STOP USING THOSE BIG WORDS! SHUT THE F(BEEP) UP!!" "Actually your highness, he does have a point." said Mort, "SHUT IT MORT!" "Oh now see the violence inherent in the system." said Dave, "SHUT UP!" said Peter as he began to strangle Dave. "COME AND SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM! HELP! I'M BEING REPRESSED!" shouted Dave as best he can to everyone nearby. "Stupid, naked, peasent!" Peter said as he lets go and walks away. "What a giveaway! Did you hear that? That's what I've been talking about. Did you see him repressing me? you saw it didn't you?" said Dave to everyone around.

and that ends this chapter, thank god. please read and review, I really have nothing else to say.


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